I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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