Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
