The beer is more important than you right now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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