I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
