just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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