Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
