Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
