Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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