oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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