all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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