I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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