so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
