you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
