Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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