so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
