He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
