My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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