Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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