I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
