I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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