do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
There are leaves in my underwear?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
