ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
