The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're a waste of cheezeits
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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