Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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