Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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