dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My balls are so social today.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
