u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
