When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
