The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you win again, gameday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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