I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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