is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
