I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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