I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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