Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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