I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
