She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
