I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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