so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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