God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
