I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
