Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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