my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
