I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
