Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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