stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
