I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
