I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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