Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
