He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
