Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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