Quick, to the slutcave!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
