There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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