I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
