can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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