I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
